Four years now since I joined DeviantArt

It does not seem possible that more than another year has passed, but DeviantArt informed me a couple of months ago that it was four years since I joined this community.

Once again I must sincerely thank all those very kind deviants (I still cannot get used to that term!) who have commented on my drawings or added them to their favourites, or put me on their watch-list, thus encouraging me to continue to draw.  I continue to be amazed by the number of people that watch me - this currently stands at over 1700.  It is quite a responsibility that I feel as a consequence of this, not to let my standards fall. The encouragement to continue is a good thing, as I really must continue as drawing really takes me out of myself, but on the other hand I am not good at handling the pressure that I sometimes feel.  I apologise to anyone to whom I have omitted to reply to their comment over the past year.  I have included in this journal, should you continue to read, an explanation of why I have not been good at handling the pressure.  As this journal may appear somewhat bleak, I will say at this stage that I end it in a more upbeat tone.

This year has been far from the best for me away from DeviantArt as I have often been rather depressed. Indeed I was really quite depressed at the time that I wrote most of this journal (two months ago now).  I have always had a tendency to depression but while I was working in a job that fitted me like a glove I had a purpose in life which largely kept it at bay.  After I was made redundant ten years ago I took up teaching yoga in the U3A (University of the Third Age).  The two classes I took each week made me feel that I was contributing something useful to society.  Then I took up drawing, and four years ago joined DeviantArt, which should have been a further boost to my mental well-being. Although I have continued to improve my drawing skills, aided as I have said by the encouragement I have received from the community, I have on many occasions found it very difficult to start a new drawing.  This has been because I always doubt my abilities and feel that I will never again match my previous level.  I look at previous drawings of mine and can hardly believe that I drew them! This year, however, it has been worse because of mounting depression that has sometimes robbed me of my enthusiasm for drawing and for listening to classical music (which had been my other main pleasure in life).

It was because of a difficulty to start a new drawing that I wrote four tutorials this year on preparing a photograph of a graphite drawing for submission to DeviantArt.  I eventually regained some enthusiasm again and made my 'Tatopani' drawing but after completing this I again lost enthusiasm until I changed direction and made my 'Squirrel' drawing .  I have even considered submitting something completely different, unrelated to art: the recipe for wholemeal bread that I use to make all the bread my wife and I eat, which I developed from a ciabatta recipe, which involves an overnight fermentation and results in the best wholemeal bread that I have tasted.

The tendency to depression has not been helped this year as I have had to abandon the two yoga classes that I used to run for the U3A as the U3A found that, for the last nine years that I had been running the class, their insurers had not covered me or most of the other yoga tutors who like me have not got formal yoga qualifications against claims from class members. The U3A had specifically used this insurer as they mistakenly thought that they did provide this cover, but have only recently discovered that this was not the case.  Luckily there had been no accidents in my classes!  Running these classes as I said above had given a sense of purpose to my life since I retired, but this has now been removed.

I will explain a little about my health as this has greatly affected my mood, particularly over the last year.  About the same time that I joined DeviantArt, following a PSA test, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer that was both aggressive and had already left the prostate, but thankfully had not reached my bones.  A 'cure', by for example radiotherapy or surgery, was not possible but my treatment with hormone therapy has been very successful in holding the cancer at bay but at the expense of side-effects.  These are a lack of energy (I used to go for a 2 mile run most mornings, but I now can only walk this) hot flushes which are occasionally as frequent as every 30 minutes and are particularly distressing during the summer months, tiredness and a tendency to depression.  After two of my drawings three years ago were affected by perspiration dripping onto them during a flush I now have learnt to avoid this by working in the draught from a fan when the weather is hot! 

PSA tests, used in the initial diagnosis of prostate cancer are unreliable and can result in further intrusive investigation and treatment for something that would never be a real problem and the, possibly unnecessary, treatment can lead to serious side-effects.  Thus the standard recommendation here in the UK regarding testing PSA levels is that it is done only if there are symptoms that suggest that there could be a prostate problem.  Although I had had no symptoms of prostate cancer, because of my age and the fact I knew a couple of people who had been diagnosed with this cancer I nevertheless requested the PSA test, the result of which was very high and kicked-off the investigation, diagnosis and treatment.  As my cancer was aggressive and advanced in spite of the lack of symptoms, it was just as well that I did request the test!  I was one of the relatively rare cases where a test in the absence of symptoms was the correct course of action.

The hormone treatment, as I have said, is holding the cancer at bay at the moment and my oncologist is very pleased with my response to the treatment, but I always experience increased anxiety when the time for the next PSA test monitoring its progress is due, every three or four months.

A further health problem occurred last winter when I experienced a detachment of the aqueous humour in my dominant eye (but luckily no retinal detachment).  This has left me with large and intrusive floaters to which I am gradually getting used.  This was another worry to add to the the worries of life that seemed to pile up on top of me.  There was always so much to do - I have to trim almost 100 yards of leylandii hedge on both sides once a year, shrubs and apple trees to prune, house and garden to maintain and on top of this there is the state of the World - always so very much bad news!

Drawing has been an excellent way to escape from the cares and worries of life since I took it up, so it was particularly disturbing when I found that I sometimes lost my enthusiasm for it.  As my depression had continued to worsen over the last year, a month ago I sought help from my oncologist at my routine check-up (as I said it is a side-effect of the cancer treatment) and he prescribed a medication that should not only help with the depression, but could also reduce the severity of my hot flushes.  I have started on this treatment and it appears to be helping with both side-effects.  I will endeavour to keep drawing as it is very good therapy for me.

I recently got an unexpected and pleasant boost when I was awarded a second prize in a competition organised by AmBr0, for my Pencil portrait of a squirrel.

I am sorry for unburdening myself in this way in this journal.  As my mood has improved noticeably in the last week I did wonder whether I should scrap the whole thing but I decided against this, as is obvious, in the hope that my experience with PSA testing might be of help to anyone who is considering this for themselves.